I live alone. I never meant to, in fact I feared it… dreaded it. I woke up nights terrified at the thought during my divorce.
What would fill my evenings? Family dinners? My daughters, aged 13 and 8 kept my evenings and my life full. We quickly found, thankfully, that our little family of me, and my two little girls had become wonderful without the presence of my ex-husband. Life rebounded and was renewed from a former war-zone into a harmonious and peaceful place again.
That was many years ago. My daughters are now grown and have their own families.
After a few relationships, some good, some not, I find myself alone again.
And loving it. In fact, so much so, that I now cannot fathom having another person infringing upon my space. Both literally and figuratively.
I am free to rise when I wish, commitments notwithstanding. If all 4 cats are persistent in their eagerness to sleep in my bed, I may indulge them. If I choose to retire at an unrealistically early hour, only to come back downstairs later, watch late night TV, pour some more wine, I can without any excuses or explanations.
The freedom is almost heady. Now I live with myself. Lest I sound selfish, it is not so much about indulging myself with outlandish whims, rather, it’s about finally being able to do what I find suits me in my time frame. I may choose to eat at 5:00, or at 7:30. It’s up to me. Years of having dinner on the table for two children and a husband, despite having to pick up both daughters from their babysitter, making sure I had the ingredients to make dinner, cooking it while helping with homework and taking client phone calls, I carried it off…..expertly, and lovingly. Everything from scratch, no frozen prepared junk. I loved, even reveled in it. It was my job….my sacred job. I took it very seriously and never scrimped on quality nor time to make it healthy and yummy.
Now, I am retired. I volunteer, work part-time, babysit, and have a fairly busy schedule. But when I come home, my time and choices about how I spend it, is completely up to me.
What used to terrify me, being alone, has now become a calm and peaceful lifestyle to which I now embrace and welcome. I do, sometimes, lament the lack of a partner. I wonder if when I become elderly I will regret my lifestyle choice. Who knows?
What I do know is the absence of conflict seems to be enough to make life pleasurable, enjoyable, and comfortable. For now, it’s enough.