Technology: not for Dummies

I have tremendous admiration for all the wondrous, mind-blowing advances technology has brought us. It is all truly awe inspiring.

OK, I’m lying….I actually hate all of it.

It started way back when all I wanted to do was to switch the channel on my TV with the new ‘thingamajigger’, also known as the “REMOTE.” Marriages have failed and relationships ended over who actually had control (who was quick enough to get their greedy little hands on it first) to said aforementioned. It became the Holy Grail during TV time. Everyone wanted to find it first usually being wedged under sofa cushions, or sneakily stashed by the household control freak. This huge conspiracy was perpetrated by TV manufacturers as well as those heartless money-mongering cable company monopoly creeps. They quickly realized nobody wanted to share control, hence the multiple TV’s/cable connections added to attain harmony and avoid teenage mutiny in the American Family. Thus, all children now have televisions in their bedrooms, much to the relief of their parents, because, after all, not a single show exists that appeals to the entire family.

So, back to the remote. In my emboldened attempt to change the channel I was catapulted into TV nowheresville with snow, static and no compass to get back to where I was. I had no idea what button I’d actually pressed (each control has at least 600 mysterious buttons, some of which do not actually work, but just exist to intimidate us, the TV watcher putz hood winked into feeling grateful for this fabulous convenience). In addition to this, multiple remotes must work in conjunction with each other, thus ultimately holding us hostage as they conspire against us. I am certain of it. So, instead of actually ‘getting up out of your barcalounger’, to press channel 2, you are now presented with a dizzyingly array of options, most being mysterious abbreviations, which are a form of remote wizardry. Once, my cat sat on the remote and I actually had to call my cable company to help me find my pathetic way back to PBS. PBS for Christ’s Sake! I’m a smart person….you won’t  catch me watching one of those insipid shows like “The Housewives of Peoria”, I watch shows that appeal to thinking, intelligent people, but I cannot, for the life of me master this F*****g remote!

I’m convinced it’s evil, this sardonic device, maybe even possessed…..it’s insidious little red light occasionally blinks, when it knows I’m watching it, making me think …”Oh God NO…. NOT the battery….!!” But it’s just toying with me, as it eventually goes off, its tiny semi-conductors all electronically giddy from the terror it caused What if I miss the NFL Playoffs tonight? Where does the battery actually go? If a clown face appears I’m totally smashing it to bits then flushing it down the toilet.

You gotta love these new gadgets….they make our lives so much simpler.

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